Growth

I spent the first hours of the New Year in tears and quiet sobs. When I was asked on the phone 'how would you describe your 2014 in one word?' I knew it in my heart what it was. But I had no idea when I said the word 'growth' out loud, that I would start crying. The flashbacks and the involuntary tears made me realize that I did not turn out as happy as I wanted myself to be. I did not know why I wasn't as happy, and the realization terrified me.

I cut the call short and tried figuring out what was wrong. As I lay thinking and tearing up in the dark, I realized that I was crying for things I’ve been through, situations I’ve put myself into as I grew in the past year. I know many people have had a worse 2014 than I did. But I had always been a simple girl, living in a greenhouse, living an almost drama-free life. I had always just been myself and this year, I felt that I had lost a bit of myself. I had allowed other people to influence me, mold me, take advantage of me, and change me. I had lost a bit of myself and in return have received learning. 

Do not get me wrong though because I do not regret a single thing that I've done. I will do everything all over again if I had the chance to. I know I wouldn't have gotten to where I am now if not for the past year. I also know that I did not come out of 2014 unhurt and unknowing. Instead, I have emerged from 2014 with my first set of battle scars and a kind of farewell to childhood innocence. There is no going back, this growth. Once we've grown, there's no ungrowing. We can only go one way, like tears rolling down the cheeks, we can only go one way. 

I cried for the parts of me that were sacrificed to receive the learning, to become who I am now. But I am proud of my battle scars, and I understand now that it is necessary. Maybe that is how adult life goes. We lose something and we gain something. We change, we evolve either into new selves or our hidden old selves. I have yet to figure that out. 

Ten things I’ve learnt in 2014 

Not all friendships last forever. Yes, I know that friends drift apart. But sometimes, active falling apart is necessary to protect myself. 

Do not make believe, do not be naive and think that things will unfold as I will them to when I know damn well in my guts that they wouldn’t. Do not let myself be fooled by my desires. I have learnt to trust my guts. 

I have learnt to hide my tears (or I'm still learning). When I'm about to cry, I should take a deep breath, purse my lips together tightly and let the sourness around the nose subside. Exhale gently before talking.

I have learnt what guilt feels like. I know how it feels now,  to wish I could undo things. I understood that I wouldn't be this lucky with mistakes next time and I would be careful not to make the same mistake. 

All things are simply experiences. Time fixes everything. What I had thought were the worst times were only a phase. It does not seem to matter anymore as days grow. They were merely experiences and lessons.

I have learnt to take on parts of others’ problems. I grew to understand that as I grow older, people around me become support systems and I become theirs. I knew that I will have to carry parts of their problems on my shoulders and they would carry mine on theirs. 

Live on my own, grief on my own. I've learnt that taking walks is my thing, it makes me feel better. Sometimes, being alone clears my head and is exactly what I need. It is in those solitary moments that I indulge in my emotions. It is those solitary moments that enable me to pick myself back up. 

I have learnt how being broken feels like. I have faltered into giant puddles of tears. I have learnt to hold my knees to my chest, to curl myself up so that my heart would stay in place, so that I could hold myself together. 

I have learnt how to love. I have learnt what love feels like. Love is warm and bubbly. Love is bitter and sweet. Love is an intense longing. Love is counting down the days. Love is tall, dark and handsome. Love is smart and funny. Love is mature. Love is a silly brat. Love does not warn you to stay away. Love holds you when you're broken. Love tries. Love cares. Love loves. 

I know just like I did with 2014, I wouldn't emerge from 2015 unhurt and pain-free. I would make mistakes that scar me. I would go through a lot more to get the growth I need, the kind of learning that is set out for me. And I wish my 2015 would also be a year of healing.