second chances

Today, my theatre class TA asked the class this question ‘what would you trade the devil with your soul for?’ after we read Dr. Faustus.  When he came to me, I answered him that I would trade my soul with the devil for the power of having second chances, to go back in time to undo, or redo things. 

In the past, when people ask me what do I regret in life, I was one of the lucky ones who could say “nothing, I regret nothing and would do everything again just the way I had done them.”  I was a lucky soul, or now, come to think of it, I was an inexperienced soul, fresh, new and naïve in life.  I thought I could keep everything that way, and I could be a lucky soul to die regret-free. 

I was being too hopeful.

Now I know, there actually come times in life, when you did things you regret so much, and you just wish to start over, to go back, rewind, and undo things, but you just can’t.  When you made stupid decisions and fucked all good things up and ended up drowning in your own damn mess.  And the bitterness, the guilt, the regret kept tearing you apart bit by bit and you could just see your world dissolve and dissipate into powder, leaving a great big void right in the middle of your heart.

That time of regret came, and I am just helpless and remorseful, but my arms and legs are bounded and there is nothing I can do or say that can change how things ended up. 

All I can say is, I did my best to make things right.  I was confused and I was a fool, but I tried my best to salvage things.  Though, not everything can be saved, and not every one can be salvaged.  I can’t expect to live a scar-free and pain-free life, because that is not living.  We all do things in life and we put ourselves, our hearts on the line, we experience and we live.  And we get hurt and scratched and lose a limb or two.  But that’s just how things are, living is not living if we don’t get hurt.  We will never get hurt if we don’t put ourselves on the line, and we will be safe and sound and innocently happy; but we will never live and experience the sweetness of life if we never feel pain and taste the bitter.

I am running out of words now.  I don’t expect this to be only time in my life when every single breath of mine taste like regret.  I am pretty sure there are a lot of regrets and remorse awaiting me, and just I wish I could trade my soul for the power of having second chances.  I wish I could make this trade.  I wish.  I wish.