Growth

I spent the first hours of the New Year in tears and quiet sobs. When I was asked on the phone 'how would you describe your 2014 in one word?' I knew it in my heart what it was. But I had no idea when I said the word 'growth' out loud, that I would start crying. The flashbacks and the involuntary tears made me realize that I did not turn out as happy as I wanted myself to be. I did not know why I wasn't as happy, and the realization terrified me.

I cut the call short and tried figuring out what was wrong. As I lay thinking and tearing up in the dark, I realized that I was crying for things I’ve been through, situations I’ve put myself into as I grew in the past year. I know many people have had a worse 2014 than I did. But I had always been a simple girl, living in a greenhouse, living an almost drama-free life. I had always just been myself and this year, I felt that I had lost a bit of myself. I had allowed other people to influence me, mold me, take advantage of me, and change me. I had lost a bit of myself and in return have received learning. 

Do not get me wrong though because I do not regret a single thing that I've done. I will do everything all over again if I had the chance to. I know I wouldn't have gotten to where I am now if not for the past year. I also know that I did not come out of 2014 unhurt and unknowing. Instead, I have emerged from 2014 with my first set of battle scars and a kind of farewell to childhood innocence. There is no going back, this growth. Once we've grown, there's no ungrowing. We can only go one way, like tears rolling down the cheeks, we can only go one way. 

I cried for the parts of me that were sacrificed to receive the learning, to become who I am now. But I am proud of my battle scars, and I understand now that it is necessary. Maybe that is how adult life goes. We lose something and we gain something. We change, we evolve either into new selves or our hidden old selves. I have yet to figure that out. 

Ten things I’ve learnt in 2014 

Not all friendships last forever. Yes, I know that friends drift apart. But sometimes, active falling apart is necessary to protect myself. 

Do not make believe, do not be naive and think that things will unfold as I will them to when I know damn well in my guts that they wouldn’t. Do not let myself be fooled by my desires. I have learnt to trust my guts. 

I have learnt to hide my tears (or I'm still learning). When I'm about to cry, I should take a deep breath, purse my lips together tightly and let the sourness around the nose subside. Exhale gently before talking.

I have learnt what guilt feels like. I know how it feels now,  to wish I could undo things. I understood that I wouldn't be this lucky with mistakes next time and I would be careful not to make the same mistake. 

All things are simply experiences. Time fixes everything. What I had thought were the worst times were only a phase. It does not seem to matter anymore as days grow. They were merely experiences and lessons.

I have learnt to take on parts of others’ problems. I grew to understand that as I grow older, people around me become support systems and I become theirs. I knew that I will have to carry parts of their problems on my shoulders and they would carry mine on theirs. 

Live on my own, grief on my own. I've learnt that taking walks is my thing, it makes me feel better. Sometimes, being alone clears my head and is exactly what I need. It is in those solitary moments that I indulge in my emotions. It is those solitary moments that enable me to pick myself back up. 

I have learnt how being broken feels like. I have faltered into giant puddles of tears. I have learnt to hold my knees to my chest, to curl myself up so that my heart would stay in place, so that I could hold myself together. 

I have learnt how to love. I have learnt what love feels like. Love is warm and bubbly. Love is bitter and sweet. Love is an intense longing. Love is counting down the days. Love is tall, dark and handsome. Love is smart and funny. Love is mature. Love is a silly brat. Love does not warn you to stay away. Love holds you when you're broken. Love tries. Love cares. Love loves. 

I know just like I did with 2014, I wouldn't emerge from 2015 unhurt and pain-free. I would make mistakes that scar me. I would go through a lot more to get the growth I need, the kind of learning that is set out for me. And I wish my 2015 would also be a year of healing.  

second chances

Today, my theatre class TA asked the class this question ‘what would you trade the devil with your soul for?’ after we read Dr. Faustus.  When he came to me, I answered him that I would trade my soul with the devil for the power of having second chances, to go back in time to undo, or redo things. 

In the past, when people ask me what do I regret in life, I was one of the lucky ones who could say “nothing, I regret nothing and would do everything again just the way I had done them.”  I was a lucky soul, or now, come to think of it, I was an inexperienced soul, fresh, new and naïve in life.  I thought I could keep everything that way, and I could be a lucky soul to die regret-free. 

I was being too hopeful.

Now I know, there actually come times in life, when you did things you regret so much, and you just wish to start over, to go back, rewind, and undo things, but you just can’t.  When you made stupid decisions and fucked all good things up and ended up drowning in your own damn mess.  And the bitterness, the guilt, the regret kept tearing you apart bit by bit and you could just see your world dissolve and dissipate into powder, leaving a great big void right in the middle of your heart.

That time of regret came, and I am just helpless and remorseful, but my arms and legs are bounded and there is nothing I can do or say that can change how things ended up. 

All I can say is, I did my best to make things right.  I was confused and I was a fool, but I tried my best to salvage things.  Though, not everything can be saved, and not every one can be salvaged.  I can’t expect to live a scar-free and pain-free life, because that is not living.  We all do things in life and we put ourselves, our hearts on the line, we experience and we live.  And we get hurt and scratched and lose a limb or two.  But that’s just how things are, living is not living if we don’t get hurt.  We will never get hurt if we don’t put ourselves on the line, and we will be safe and sound and innocently happy; but we will never live and experience the sweetness of life if we never feel pain and taste the bitter.

I am running out of words now.  I don’t expect this to be only time in my life when every single breath of mine taste like regret.  I am pretty sure there are a lot of regrets and remorse awaiting me, and just I wish I could trade my soul for the power of having second chances.  I wish I could make this trade.  I wish.  I wish.

waves.