Down counting and me, we go way back. And I have to say (shamelessly) that I have mastered the art of down counting. Perhaps, not mastered...but I have gotten a full and deep understanding of the art of down counting.
I hated studying Chinese History and I could still remember down counting since the very beginning,how many Chinese History tests and exams I still have got left (Chinese History is no longer a compulsory subject in grade 10 in my school, and I was dying for that last exam to come).
Grade 9 was a tough year for me as I was juggling 15 subjects plus my crazy demanding extra curricular activities in my hands, and I would down count the days I have left until there was holiday and I could have time to breathe, until the common test month was over, until the project I had to do would be done and finished and etc. I swear I wouldn't have survived grade 9 without down counting.
Here's a little tip to y'all. We do not set our down-counter, no matter in our head or in our phones (yes, there are apps for that), to the day we dread; but to the day after,when all is over. If you have any suck-y project or work that you dread coming up, down counting until the day of relief (caution: not the day of doom, but the day of relief) will instantly make you feel better. It shows us that there is an end to everything, that time will pass. Down counting can give us hope, keep us pumped and help us hold on, stay strong and endure, overcome the present/ the near future that we were sure will kill us. At least that is what it does for me.
But as I have slowly adapted to the mindset of down counting, and have given more deep thought to it, I realized that down counting should not be applied to everything. Counting down to lasts is sad, of course. But counting down to things that don't have a definite ending, or an ending date that you know, is even more sad and scary, and gives you a lot of doubts towards the future. (Sorry, I am a pessimist and I tend to go to the darker route of things.)
For example: I am lucky that I still have my grandparents with me, and they are pretty old, both are in their eighties and both have their own elderly illnesses. Almost every time I see them, I would wonder if it is the last 30 times I will see them, or the last 67, or even the last 10. I love them dearly and I don't want to lose them. Yet, I am going abroad soon, and I will see them less often. What if anything happens to them (touch wood) while I'm away, and that last hug before I board the plane will actually be the last moment we share together.
(An)other example(s): I will often wonder if it (any random moment) will be the last moment I am with this friend, or that friend of mine. Or if this will be the last words someone will hear from me and we will never see each other again. If it were, which I would never know, I would want to say something nice, something memorable, and hug them tight and treasure the moment.
Yet, the thing is, we will never know, and can only always live in doubt. Down counting to things that we aren't sure of is terrifying and stresses us out (or is it just me). Sometimes, I wish there will be digits above everyone's head that show people how many times the person and oneself will meet and share moments together. But then, I would un-wish it because I am not sure if I really want to know. I would be traumatized every time I see the number decrease and when it becomes single digits, then zero. I would be crying constantly and be sad all the time because those digits would be constant reminders that what I always thought was infinite (time I have with my mom, my family, my friends) actually has an end.
Us not knowing the lasts, I guess, is a gift from God. We shan't ever know because we have to treasure every moment, live and love the fullest, as cliche as it sounds. And the knowing when are the forever-goodbyes, and see-you-nevers is heart breaking; and our world, us, mankind can only bear so many tears and heart breaks. I still swear by down counting to days of relief, but down counting to the unknown just freaks me out; though I will still sometimes journey into this dark tunnel of unknown, indefinite future because it reminds me to live and love the fullest, to live life without regrets.
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